The Subway, The Train and The Gory

Last night I alternatively took the subway home. (err.. actually it's the LRT, it's just subway sounds so coooool). I'm only two stations away from the last one. I usually ride an fx or a jeepney but I was running late and I'm not in the mood and I can't afford to be kept hostage in a traffic jam for what seemed an eternity or so, and the subway's the only fastest way though would cost me a little luxury (phew, that was long I held my breath).
Well anyway, I felt creeps from my vein to my scalp as soon as I got into the platform. I was the only one on that side, well except from the guard who gave me daze walking back and forth. Is he nervous as hell I wouldn't mind to know (but probably his wife is laboring in the delivery room *wink*).

As I was saying, err writing, I was the only one on that side waiting for the next train and there are at least ten people on the other side. Darn! The whole cumbersome atmosphere depressed the hell out of me, I swear. It was sooo silent like a vacuum I could really die right then and there. And suddenly it's hell, I just felt like committing suicide or something like jumping in the railway or some gory stuff like that. And here's the funny thing, I'm really up to doing it and all. Was I so stupid. But what I thought I would do then was jump into the railway just when the train's coming near and lay lay there for all I know and let the engined metal crushed my whole body, and my blood and body parts would splatter on the train and on the platform, and the people would start screaming but they won't do anything like calling the police. They would just stand there naively screaming their lungs out, or gasping for breath, or puking all over the place and all.

Oh darn movies.. I hate them now, those stressful thrillers and suspense, they really can get to my head. I'm a madgirl.

I know I wouldn't have done it though. Aside from the big expense at stake for the funeral and all, I don't have the guts to jump in a railway. But I probably would've done it, too, if I'm totally nuts and if I'm assured that someone will cover me as soon as the train did it's wonderful job.Err..I didn't want a bunch of stupid rubbernecks puking on my chopped bloody body.

on the night i walked from home

The glasses found their way to the floor.

She's screaming like hell. She's totally drunk and on the edge of losing her mind. I just stood there, nauseated. I just stared at her, watching her grow hysterical. And then something had knocked some sense in me, I rushed to the door clutching a fifty-peso bill on my hand and my 8250Nokia phone on the other. My impulse was to get out of the place. The faster, the better.

It was dark. For the moment I thought that the darkness might eat me alive. For that moment, I shivered. But I was intent on what i had planned.,I'm going out of here. I walked out in the street. And it was no ordinary walk: stray dogs are barking at me, ready to have a me as their midnight snack; tambays are stealing dangerous glances.

I just couldn't believe everything that happened as I hailed an fx bound to Cubao, lucky enough to find one when it's 1:45AM. And good thing I wasn't tempted to ride on one of those jeepneys whose passengers, as well as the drivers, look like Death Eaters.

I tried hard to calm myself, at least to stop the flow of rivers.

"You've done it!"

***
bitin..

Untitled...

MUSIC BOX QUEEN
To Mr. DJ,
Life is like a box of chocolates. Maybe you’ll be surprised to know that I’m a fan of yours — the greatest fan of your life, if you really want to know the truth.
But it is not a surprise that I have nothing to say. I’m full of ideas — I just don’t know how to put them on papers. My column remained a column yet has no content. So I decided to make you a letter instead, not to request for the most-wanted song, nor to seek love advice, but to pose some important (?) things to my new CS inmates, as well to everyone who gets this issue of Parser.
To start with, I whole-heartedly welcome a new batch of fresh blood to our beloved CS department! Kudos! You all made it to UP. Be proud because you are in the Engineering college, and more so because you are computer science students.
Honestly, I wanted to share you some stuff during my first year but in don’t want to bore you all with “this and that… blahblahblah….” So I’ll say: there’s more to UP than academic excellence and recognition, blooming social life, frat wars, UP Fair, Oblation run and Lantern Parade. There are lot of things to look forward to. Find out yourselves.
By the way, I broke my music box INTENTIONALLY. My mom kept on telling me that I should bring it to a repair shop, it is an antique! My great, great….grandmother 300yrs away handed it to me, from her generation to the next. It’s no use anyway; it can’t play any music at all. So why bother bring it to repair shop??

TO FLY A KITE IN VACUUM TUBE
There’s really nothing good about staying up until 2AM when your last sleep was almost 24hrs ago, your class starts at 7AM, and you’re an hour away from UP. It’s only a month since the sem began. No Mp yet and exams to catch up with any of the missed lectures.
I don’t know if the earth is rotating faster than 24hrs a day, or I am just running a turtle race. If that's so, I wouldn’t mind stepping on the brakes. Anyway, I’m tired of speeding up, just because everything is on fast mode and I feel that I’m being left behind.
I hate that — when everyone’s feeling left behind and they should somehow catch up with the things they do. I was like that. And what happens to me is every time I run, I stumble down.
And I wanted to break loose from those chains. It annoys me — when people are trying to do things they are not supposed to do, just like running when no one’s chasing them. I hate that when they are being conformists, which by the way every one of us is.
Yeah. Man is condemned to be free, and to be a conformist too. I guess so. And I’m not being philosophical here. I’m not crazy talking about society and politics this way. I’m crazy about those people whom you would ask if you can fly a kite in a vacuum tube and would tell you that you’re trying to pull their asses out!
So what? In the end it would only be a question of what you have done. The fact remains — I can’t fly a kite in a vacuum tube.

THE PINK URINAL
Sabi ni Jean Jacques Rousseau: Freedom is the power to choose your own chains.
Sabi ko: Death is the absolute freedom.
Naka-print sa mamang nakasalubong ko sa Ynares Center: WAKE UP AND LIVE! One chance to live, one life to give.
Isang quote: Failure doesn’t hurt, but what hurts is knowing you hadn’t given your best.
Sabi ni Boy Abunda kay Kris: This too shall pass.
Sabi ni Tweety: Mag-aaply ka na ba ulit? Wala nang defer-defer ha!
Assignment ni Maam Gallo (4thyr Filipino teacher): Isulat muli ang burador.
Sabi ni Ulo(klasmeyt nung hi-skul): ROCK THE WORLD! But don’t let the world rock you.
Sa cover ng notebook: Independent thinkers NEVER follow suit.
Sabi ni Janice de Belen: Little do we know that the questions we asked, the answers come when we don’t ask them anymore.
Leni Bedspacer: Sa umaga, puyat akong sisikatan ng araw nang walang natatapos. Sa gabi, pagod akong lulubugan nito na walang nagagawa.
Sabi ni Noemi: Odi et amo. (I love and I hate)
Sabi ni Lew: Nasa UP ka para mag-aral.
ABNKKBSNPLAko?! Ni Bob Ong: Isa lang ang hiniling ko sa kanila: ang karapatan kong madapa at bumangon sa buhay nang walang tatawa, magagalit, magtatanong o magbibilang kung ilang beses na akong nagkamali at ilang ulit ako dapat bumawi.
Sabi ni Malen: Hindi ko alam kung pupunta ako sa burol ni Cardinal Sin sa Manila Cathedral.
Sabi ni Abby: Yakult lives on!
Ayon kay Sir Berdin(4thyr Economics teacher): Hindi pa ito ang totoong mundo.
IKAW?ANONG MASASABI MO?

****
initial draft for my column in UP PARSER

kapag nawala ang mga bituin

ang bitter ko ba?
sori ha...
mejo nakakabitter nga naman kasi ang math54. at isa pa, gusto kong maglabas ng hinanakit at pagandahin ang blog na 'to pero hindi ako astigin sa graphics at web design.
mas lalong nakaka-olats diba?
gusto ko ngang pumatay ng tao ngayon eh....
kung pwede lang sarili ko na...



san ba makakahanap ng bituin?
ung pwedeng ibulsa at dalhin sa kahit saang lupalop ng mundo?
ung maliwanag at hindi nauubusan ng enerhiya..




kailangan ko ng dugo.. ung sariwa..
dugo.. tila oksiheno sa aking kaluluwa...










dugo...







bakit ba ang daming taong bitter ngayon...???




xenxa na...
gusto ko lang magsulat...

floating....

Not everyone always knew who i was.
My history has come into oblivion.
Now, I will make my way into death...

"Here, i end my days, helpless and nothing, nothing i could have done or have not done could have led me to a different place."


Deeper than any other feeling, stronger than any other thought, this fear slaughters me, splitting my skull in pain.


By then, nothing can be heard but whimperings and cries over the shadows...
Helpless dead shadows...


I can't stand staring at that moon, watching as it grew pale every moment...

There's no further explanation. I am not the girl I thought I was. ANd in this hour of death, never had i felt so alive.

The finality of the words written in blank sheets of paper, like black thread laid obvious against a white silk, grips my neck, supressing air to pass through my lungs.

I had always been remorseful of the past. now, under the pale light, I watch as my self-reproachness prevented important questions from coming together. but the questions grew like fruit inside the peel, and detached itself and lay before me...there is a blissful pain.

It must have been that plump juicy hate again. It is not just a frustration; it is poison!

I'm damned! Everything in me was dumbed. i grope my way back along the thread of my life, dreadful shame crawled in my scalp, digging shiver to the bare earth. Even grim pictures of reality have not yet veiled the horror of my own ghosts.

Ghosts.


My own ghosts kept on haunting me....every night.

The ghost that i made, whom i gave birth in the leaves of the paper....they are kept locked in a dark closet..yet they kept on slipping through the box to haunt me.....

The ddark closet, bearing my greatest fear...my mortal fear.

Mortal fear.


I had always been caught by words than images, strange and incompatible with my vocation.

Words die before pictures.
That is my gift of prophecy.